Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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