he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
