she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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