Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
