how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
