I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
