Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
do herpes really smell.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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