Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize