Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
