The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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