I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
