just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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