remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.