ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
