You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
