I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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