please come you make the beer taste better
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
