mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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