you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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