When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
