I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
