I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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