I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
