She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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