is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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