Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
