I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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