I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
