the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
