he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
