the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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