you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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