you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
