My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
