I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
