Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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