Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
