put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
