If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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