just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
