I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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