Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
