so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
