I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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