There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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