you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
