She's JV to your varsity
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
