Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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