anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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