The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
do herpes really smell.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
