Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
