By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
