I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
