who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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