Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
