I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
