mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
