So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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