I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
