well I can't set my house on fire every night
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
